It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
