Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I could make wine with my vomit
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
