so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
