my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
