Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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