Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
