Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
