My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
