We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize