So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
