Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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