They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
