Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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