got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
In America we eat man semen.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
