I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You ruined the universe
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
