your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
