Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
