when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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