Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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