Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
