well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
