I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
