Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
