Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
