I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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