WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
