1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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