Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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