So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
