the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
