My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
false alarm. still invincible.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
