She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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