Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
that may or may not have been my penis.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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