If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
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This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
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GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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