We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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