You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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