OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
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He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
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Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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