My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
