Screwed.edu
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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