I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize