I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
