He had one of those small greek statue penises
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
