WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
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