its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
