It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
