the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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