my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
