a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
