I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
