I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
