Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
