I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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