textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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