my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
