why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
