Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
