I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
