During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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