thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
