I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
