Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
