I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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