Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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