I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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